you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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