a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
