We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
