I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
