Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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