Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
