when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
