the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
