God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
