New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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