You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
