I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
