Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
