Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
