I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
