you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sobbing to NWA
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
