hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
