So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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