HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
