I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
