Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
