I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
