Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
