somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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