My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
