your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
