wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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