you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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