My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
