I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
