I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
