I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
