this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
