P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
