five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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