woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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