Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
