I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
