Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
