when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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