my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
