apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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