I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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