You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize