I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
