Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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