You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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