im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he thought i was a dude.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
