They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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