please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
