I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
