I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
