I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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