the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
