Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
