and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
