i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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