My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
