so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize