someone threw a dead crab at me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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