i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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